Review: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Rockin' the boat, like always.

The original Pirates of the Caribbean was an enjoyable hit. Johnny Depp's portrayal of the drunk and charming Jack Sparrow was lots of fun. It was an exciting and fresh story and seemed to be the beginning of what could be a pretty great series. Sadly enough, the following sequels got a little over their heads. They were silly, incoherent, and far too over the top. At World's End left me as frustrated as about any movie ever has. I absolutely hated it. On Stranger Tides seems to be trying to make amends for the last couple entries as most of the back story from the other movies is irrelevant. While it does learn from past mistakes of the series, it makes too many of its own mistakes to actually make it a good movie.

P4 finds Captain Jack on a quest to find the Fountain of Youth (I have no idea why this movie isn't called Pirates of the Caribbean: The Fountain of Youth, because On Stranger Tides has nothing to do with anything that happens). Johnny Depp doesn't do anything new with the Jack character; any laughs that he gives you feel old and outdated. He boards the ship of Black Beard (Ian McShane), who may possibly be the most sinister villain in the Pirates series yet. Penelope Cruz plays the supposed daughter of Black Beard and Jack's love interest. Both Cruz and McShane bring some much needed energy to the film.

The story line is much more straight forward then the complex incoherence of the prior 2 entries. It's refreshing to understand what's going on (for the most part, I still don't get why Black Beard has magic powers). The problem is that the story never gets too exciting, a lot of the movie is actually pretty boring.  Action scenes feel far too set up and more gimmicky than ever. I think director Rob Marshall doesn't really have a grasp on how to film an action scene as they never turn into anything exciting. They feel like action scenes you would see on a stage play.

Apart from a pretty enjoyable opening to the movie and an exciting mermaids scene, there's not a whole lot to love from this Pirates installment. But being bored is a step up from being infuriated, right?

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Review: Priest

"I'm so much cooler than Buffy..."

With the recent Twilight kick. Vampires are pretty cool. Like Zombies, Vampire Slayer type films and TV shows have always been around and it seems like they'll never leave. Which is okay, they make for a lot of fun. It's always nice to have a fresh take on a tried and tested genre. Based on the Korean comic of the same name, Priest looked like could have been that for Vampire Slayers. While it does have a lot of good ideas, none of them come into fruition. The few things that do work for this movie, feel far too familiar and have been done better in a variety of other films.

In the world of Priest, vampires are not the teen heart throbs that they are in Twilight. They are more like slobbery monsters. Vampires and humans have fought since the beginning of time. Thanks to elite warriors called Priests, the vampires were beaten and driven away or put on reservations. Now that priests are no longer needed, the Church (which is like an oppressive government) has taken their authority from them in an attempt to work them back into the world. This world that is created could actually be really deep and enthralling, but the film only takes about 10 minutes describing it. If more time was taken to put us into this reality, Priest could have been much more entertaining. Since that isn't the case, Priest just feels dark, mundane, and boring. Which is really a shame.

Paul Bettany plays a Priest that goes back to fighting vampires when he finds that his niece has been kidnapped by them. I really want to believe that Paul is a good actor, he's just never starred in anything very good. At times, he is engaging, but for the most part he is just dark and gloomy and has a lot of terrible lines. The rest of the cast does absolutely nothing exciting, except for silly one liners. Some of the action is cool, but most is a little ridiculous and not as fun as it could have been.

Overall, Priest is boring and familiar. It looks like they want this to be a series, which would be okay. They just need some better filmmaking to make it more interesting.

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Review: Bridesmaids

Engagement! The perfect inciting incident for any chick flick.

"Chick Flicks Don't Have To Suck" The poster for Bridesmaids proudly states. If you read my review for Something Borrowed, you'll find out just how bad Chick Flicks can suck. Luckily, the folks behind Bridesmaids were right. Chick Flicks can actually be really good. In fact, this is one of the funniest films I have ever seen, and one of the best films I have seen this year. It should be said that this film is a lot raunchier than a normal chick flick. It is from the Judd Apatow crew, so think "chick flick" meets Knocked Up. The love-child that this creates is the funniest, most charming, and most heartwarming film so far this year.

Kristen Wiig plays Annie, who's best friend Lillian (Maya rudolph) just got engaged. Yes, this sounds surprisingly familiar to Something Borrowed, but don't worry, it changes from here. Lillian asks Annie to be the maid of honor. She must deal with her new responsibilities, Maya's new "best" friend, and with change as they approach the wedding. Annie is likable and relatable and I cannot get over how funny Kristen Wiig is. Her ability to make you laugh in a variety of ways is what drives this film. From funny dialogue to awkward looks to cooky dancing, Kristen does it all. I'm laughing just thinking about it. There are two scenes in this movie that could possibly go down as two of the funniest scenes of all time (trying on bridesmaids dresses & drunk on the airplane scenes). You get a glimpse of them in the previews, but you have no idea how funny they can be until you see them. The rest of the cast is really funny. Each character gets their own bit of humor and delivers big laughs.

The storyline may be a little predictable (but it wouldn't be a chick flick if it wasn't, right?). You may want some more backstory on some of the characters, but there are so many characters that it probably couldn't be done (the movie already clocks in at over 2 hours). These are two minor gripes about an almost perfect comedy.

Kristen Wiig just planted herself as one of the funniest people in Hollywood (possibly the funniest). The movie will relate to and move you. We have all felt the way Annie when dealing with change. Friends move on, new people come into your life, but it's really never as bad as we think it is. There's always something good on the horizon. Bridesmaids sat really well with me over the night, I'm still laughing about it.

Thanks, Judd Apatow crew, for proving yourself right. Chick Flicks do not have to suck.

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Review: Something Borrowed

We 'R' Bess Frenz

I don't hate chick flicks. I like all genres of movies as long as they are well done. You've Got Mail, Return to Me, and Legally Blonde are all very charming. If you stretch and say Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a chick flick and then you can say one of my all time favorite movies is a chick flick. Something Borrowed seemed like a pretty good premise for a chick flick. Kate Hudson and Ginnifer Goodwin are generally enjoyable. Throw in John Krasinski, everyone's favorite rational guy from the office, and this show could be pretty good, right? Let's just say something borrowed my desire for life after viewing this movie. Luckily, I got it back this morning and I've motivated myself to write about this terrible, terrible movie.

Kate Hudson plays Darcy, and unimaginably unlikable party girl. She's a jerk. Darcy is about to get married to Dex, but drama ensues when her best friend Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) admits to her fiance that she had a crush on him back in law school. Crazy enough, Dex (Colin Egglesfield) had a crush on her but they were too afraid to tell each other. Now Dex is confused and torn. He starts to date Rachel behind Darcy's back. Krasinski plays Ethan, who is friends with Rachel and just along for the ride. His character is much like a more angry version of Jim from The Office that yells a lot more. He's definitely not as likable as that character, but it still makes him the most rational and likable person in the movie.

You never really understand why these people are friends or why they would even like each other. They are all so self serving and stupid. None of them make any rational decisions throughout this entire movie. I don't think whoever wrote this movie understands real life. The romance between Goodwin and Egglesfield is so painful to watch; awkward, unnecessary, and unnatural. She seems much more natural as a polygamist wife in HBO's Big Love.

Please don't see this movie. Any part that made me smile was in the previews. It hurts to watch this movie. Imagine watching people you hate try and get what they want for 2 hours. Here comes the closing statement: Worst Movie I Have Seen This Year.

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Review: Thor

Did you know Thursday is Thor's Day?

Alas, it's the beginning of our Superhero filled summer. Thor was not the superflick that I was looking forward to the most (Captain America receives that honor). In fact, I was kind of skeptical about Thor. The story is a little out there; involving other planets (or realms). When I think about it, it's not all too different from Superman, but Superman is much more known and accepted than Thor. The previews left me wondering if they would be able to mix the realistic earth with the highly digitized realities of Asgard (Thor's planet). The truth is that, for the most part, a very believable universe is created by Director Kenneth Barnagh. The interesting backstory actually helps Thor feel fresher to the genre of superheroes.

Thor, heir to the thrown of Asgard,  is very much a cocky and bull-headed. He makes some rash decisions and ends up getting exiled to Earth with all the mere mortals. All the while, devious things are going on in Asgard and Thor needs to find a way to get back. Chris Hemsworth plays Thor, you may not have heard of this actor before. My belief is that you haven't because all he has been doing for the past 10 years is work out for this role. He's seriously ripped. I wouldn't mention this unless it wasn't amazing. He's believable and funny as Thor (especially when he first gets to Earth and is adjusting to the customs).  Natalie Portman plays a scientist who first runs into Thor and becomes his love interest. She doesn't do anything too amazing (don't expect a Black Swan performance), and any scene with just her and Thor are served with extra cheese. Too much cheese. Thor is well paced and the action scenes kick some major As-gard.

A problem with this movie is that it can be a little geeky, it helps itself with some self-aware humor, but you probably need to be a superhero fan to enjoy this film completely; lots of crazy outfits. The ending and villain's motive feel a muddled towards the end. Asgard can be hard to believe. I think if you see it in 3D, you will feel a little bit more engulfed in that reality and you will be more likely to accept it.

Thor's high points may be it's self aware humor when on Earth, but it works well as an entertaining superhero movie even when it reaches out to outer-space.

The line of succession falls to you. Asgard is yours..

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Review: Jane Eyre

Meet the homely Jane Eyre.

It's safe to say that Jane Eyre isn't my favorite type of movie. A period piece based on the book by Charlotte Bronte that has been redone a number of times, it leaves a similar taste in your mouth that the latest Pride & Prejudice movie. Pride & Prejudice wasn't my type of movie either, but I was able to enjoy the great filmmaking and cinematography. The same can be said about Jane Eyre. I was able to enjoy this movie without being particularly interested in the style or plot, thanks to the strong performances and some interesting cinematography.

Jane is played by Mia Wasikowska, who does not look as pretty as she did in The Kids Are Alright, purposefully of course, because Jane is not your average 1800's woman. She's very smart, self sufficient, and moral (The novel is considered to be an early feminist statement in itself). The bulk of the story is based around Jane's stay as a governess (Teacher/Babysitter) at the Rochester residence. Mr. Rochester and her start to have a little electricity between them while something seems very wrong at the house. The movie works well with its eerie tone. It is definitely a darker film than Pride & Prejudice, which makes it more interesting and accessible. The narrative will flash back and forward to other times in her life, helping a very dialogue-heavy plot stay interesting.

The children in this movie are very likable and give great performances along with Mia and Judi Dench. Jane can drag a little bit and you may get lost in the sometimes clever - sometimes cheesy dialogue. For those new to this story, you shouldn't have too hard of time understanding it, the movie is coherent, but I feel like it could have capitalized on some of the more interesting plot elements. A lot of scenes don't necessarily progress the storyline, but look pretty. You start to notice it more as the you start to enter the final act of the 2 hour story.

The good outweighed the bad in Jane Eyre. If you're a fan of this genre of movie or book, then you'll probably enjoy it even more than I did.

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Review: Fast Five

Apparently Vin Diesel doesn't watch much WWE

Fast Five amazed me before I even had a chance to see it. It's opening weekend cashed in an amazing 83.6 million dollars, making it the largest opening weekend for a movie in April, ever. Also, making it the largest opening for the year so far. A benchmark held by Rio, which cashed in about 40 million it's opening weekend and, ironically enough, is set in the same setting. So maybe it wasn't necessarily Fast Five that impressed me so much, but the movie-goers. American movie-goers must like their action, cars, and scantily clad women. Even with the surprisingly good reviews it had been receiving, I went into Fast Five pretty skeptical. It turns out that, while it's far from being a great movie, it's really not that bad.

Fast Five brings back all your favorite characters from the previous films. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker head the crew which also includes Ludacris, Tyrese Gibson,  Jordana Brewster and others. They've all come back together to do one last job against a dirty Brazilian drug lord. They are gonna take his money, all of it. The ensemble class makes it feel like a less glamorous Ocean's 11. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (who is ridiculously huge in this movie) plays the U.S. Special Agent assigned to bring Vin and crew down because they have been wrongfully accused of murder, adding a Fugitive element to the movie. So now we have Ocean's 11  mixed with Fugitive mixed with some crazy car action scenes. Though the ideas are far from being original, they work pretty well. Fast Five shines the most with it's action scenes. They're all very well choreographed and stunning to watch, it's fun, and from the opening scene, you're constantly wanting more crazy stuff to happen. On a smaller note, there is a lot of Portugese spoken in this film and the creative way in which the subtitles are done give Five an almost undeserved creative flare.

The movie is bogged down by a lot of unnecessary dialogue that boils down to each character saying a ridiculous one liner, over and over. Seriously, try and count the one liners in this movie; you'll lose count. Much of the dialogue could have been cut. The movie clocks in at over 2 hours when it could have easily been 90 minutes. The acting isn't great - The Rock is probably the best actor in this movie, which isn't saying much. Vin Diesel is sometimes incoherent. I don't understand it, but sometimes he sounded like he was trying to do an Adam Sandler impression - not that you even need to hear what he says to understand the movie, but why couldn't we have had some of those creative subtitles for his dialogue?

While it has many flaws, the action in Fast Five will keep you entertained, the one liners will occasionally make you giggle, and you'll have some fun. It's a good movie to start the Summer Movie Season. Undoubtedly, it will not hold it's spot at the top this weekend with the release of Thor, but I guess it's okay for America to enjoy this parade of cars, action, and women for the time being.

This just went from "Mission: Impossible" to "Mission: In-Freakin'-Sanity" (Chalk up a one liner)

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Review: I Am Number Four

This is John. He's an alien. A teen heart-throb alien.

What do all teens love? Let's see - they love very attractive versions of themselves, melodramatic love, Top 40 music, cliche high school scenarios... and some teens love aliens. Throw those all into a movie and it's a surefire success! Not really, but that probably went through the minds of the film executives that ok'd this film into production. To be honest, I haven't read the book that this movie is based on, but I sure hope it's a lot better than the movie. I Am Number Four is one of those movies that's so painful, you'll have a lot of fun making fun of it after you see it.

Here, we follow John. John is an alien. He lives on Earth now because his planet was destroyed by some bad guys. The bad guys are now looking for him on Earth because they need to destroy him and the other "numbered" ones so they can take over Earth, or something.. it's never really made clear. The story isn't very good, which is one thing on a list of many things that aren't so good about this movie. Let's list them:

1. The story (incoherent)
2. The acting (painful, seriously painful)
3. The dialogue (does the book sound like this?)
4. The bad guys (they look like thrown out concepts of what Voldemort could look like)

You're probably thinking that a movie that fails on these 4 concepts cannot be a good movie. You're right. I'm sorry I Am Number Four, but no matter how much trendy music you throw at me (we're talking Jimmy Eat World, The Black Keys, Kings of Leon, Beck, etc..), you're still not a good movie. I'll give it this, the movie builds up to a pretty wiz-bang fight scene finale. You'll just have to endure much, and by the time it happens, you just want the movie to be over.

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I Am Letter...